| 1. Imaginary baby and parent-child bond |
1.1 Pregnancy context (planning or surprise)
I was very happy, because we’d been planning it for a long time, and now it worked out. It’s been two years, since the beginning of the marriage. (M4)
It was a surprise, right, but as I said, I was happy. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I already have two girls, so it would be another joy for me. (M6)
The pregnancy was unexpected. It happened suddenly, nobody planned it. She got pregnant and we decided to have the baby [...]. (F2)
1.2 Idealized child
[...] last month, when I had the morphological [ultrasound], I found out it was a boy. That was another joy! First child. The father almost ‘freaks out’ again. (M4)
For me, I thought that when the baby was born, [...] the baby would be born normally, the baby would be generate normally, but I don’t know, it’s the first time this has happened to me, so I don’t understand much about it, I can’t explain it properly. [...] When I thought of his name, I was thinking of the angel Rafael [fictitious name], so I named him Rafael. (F1)
1.3 Expressions of affection for the baby
Too much love. I can’t wait to see it. (M3)
Just happiness. Just feeling the baby move is a joy for me. (M4)
I keep stroking her belly until I feel him kick. Then I keep kissing the belly. (F1)
1.4 Parental expectations
The only certainty he has is this: that he’ll look after her, that he’ll grow up together. (M3).
I’ve always wanted to be a mother (M6).
We’ve already bought everything. (F2)
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| 2. Grieving process following the diagnosis of fetal malformation |
2.1 Shock and denial
I was really overwhelmed, because I’d seen so many cases of mothers having children with problems, and I thought I’d never go through it. It was such a shock, at the time I thought... I didn’t know what to do... there... there... at the same time I was happy, and at the same time I was sad, because it’s hard to have a child with a problem, sick. (M2)
I was very sad. I cried, I cried a lot. And at the time I told him [my husband], I thought he’d fainted on the spot, because I was still here in hospital, and he was at work, so he was quiet for half an hour, not answering anything, and I cried a lot. (M3)
[...] he [the doctor] just asked me to do it again, another morphological [ultrasound], because he couldn’t find the baby’s nasal bone. Then I freaked out! I went again, then I had another [exam] to see if it was really true, and then it was. I did another [morphological] test, and it was just one thing. (M5)
[...] I even told her [wife] not to think too much about these things, I’m not much of a thinker. I’m more focused on work, on my other children, on her children, who are the youngest and oldest. (F1)
It was the first morphology exam I’ve ever done, [...] he [the doctor] said it, but I didn’t really believe him, so I had another exam done. (F2)
2.2 Longing and searching
Very sad [crying, pause]. Very sad, because we also search on Google. And many cases are good, but others are not. [So it’s up to God [crying]. (M4)
That my son comes healthy. That’s what I want most. (M5)
2.3 Disorganization and despair
We’re afraid, because the child, as soon as the baby is born, the baby is going to have surgery. You have to know if the child is going to be able to withstand this surgery. Then we’re afraid, I don’t know, I’ve never lost a child, I already have my first daughter, who is one year and eight months old, and now I’m going to have my second, but so far I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. It must be an immense pain, but I don’t really like to talk about it, no. (M2)
I talk to the baby [the fetus], I feel fine, but then I start thinking about the kidneys, I get sad. Then, when I get nervous, he moves, but then he stops, he stays still. [...] Then I think in the same way: I don’t know if God will give the baby to me, or not, or if the baby will survive or not. (M3)
2.4 Reorganization and adaptation
[...] then he said that I had to do a treatment, that it was for the child, when the baby is born, the baby will not be born with a problem. So we ran, we went after and today we’re here [the fetal medicine clinic], having treatment. We have to hope that the child is born well, and that the baby survives.” (M2)
I’ve managed to calm down, when I ‘talk’ about the subject with someone, then I’m calmer, I’m not ready to explode [...]. Things don’t always necessarily go according to plan, you know? And it’s not like you’re going to suffer in anticipation, it’s not like that, but it’s a way of taking care of the feelings you have for [the baby]. (M3)
It’s because you can often accept it and not accept it, right? But I want myself to accept it. I know it’s going to be difficult, but he’s my son. He came from my womb, and I’m going to love him the same way. [...] If God gave me him with a problem, it’s because he thinks I deserve it, he thinks I’ll be able to look after him.” (M5)
If he comes, he’ll be treated well. If he doesn’t, there’s nothing I can do. (F1)
When God gives us a special child to look after, it’s because we are special parents to be able to look after them. (F2)
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| 3. Coping strategies used by parents |
3.1 Religiosity
Asking God for strength, that God will work a miracle. (M1)
It’s hard to have a child with problems, sick, but God finds a way [...] so I took God by the hand, and God knows what he’s doing. (M2)
So, I also ask God not to suffer so much, because I don’t know yet the pain of losing someone so close, and, I mean, it’s a piece of me [...] I ask God that if he has to take it, he will, and I won’t suffer, and that if God has to give it to me, I’ll be very grateful. (M3)
3.2 Social and family network
[...] sometimes I feel ashamed, and sometimes I don’t like it, because there are a lot of people where I live. We say something, then the next day everyone knows. .Then I don’t tell everyone. I say it’s fine, and that’s it. And the people I tell are close, friends of my family, friends I’ve had for a long time, but other people I don’t tell. (M3)
[...] my mother is very Catholic. We went to her hous, we started o go to massto ask for strength. The Family also got United to give advice to him (husband). Then we accepted more, and that helped us to take care of her. (F2)
3.3 Mutual support for the couple
Sometimes he [husband] doesn’t like to talk much, neither with his mother nor with his daughter, he keeps to himself. Even with me he doesn’t talk much, because he says I’m too uptight, I only think silly things, so he keeps quiet. (M3)
He shows in being strong, he’s strong. [...] So, if he sees me in any distress, he always gives me strength. That’s why he doesn’t leave me alone, he’s always with me.” (M5)
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Between Pain and Hope: Parent’s Grief at the Diagnosis of Fetal Malformation